Stars and Screensavers
by PeacockBlue
Summary: Next up: Captain Janeway! Follow-up number 6 to 'Hobbits and Hair Dye'


_Rule 7a) Do not change the screen saver of the huge screen on the bridge to 'Eton Style' on repeat._

_Rule 7b) Do not make jokes about B'Elanna's forehead. She __**will **__kill you._

I landed sprawled in a heap at the foot of a pyjama partier. I looked up.

"Please don't kill me!"

He raised an eyebrow. "I do not wish to harm you. Why do you have an illogical fear of me murdering you?"

I breathed a sigh of relief. "It's the ears," I explained, elaborating when encouraged by the other eyebrow being raised. "Well, recently I've been having some issues with pointy-eared people. For some reason," _Day-Glo hair dye, pounding music at two A.M. _"they always end up trying to kill me."

"Captain on the bridge!" shouted a sandy-haired man right at the front of the room. I glanced towards him, and then got side tracked at the boring, old-fashioned 'Galaxy' screensaver. _Must change that later on_, I thought.

A woman with red hair in a longish bob strode into the room.

"Captain," acknowledged the pointy pyjama-partier.

Her eyes latched on to me and she drew her weapon. "Who is this?" she asked. "Why was I not alerted to an intruder on board?"

"If Jean-Luc knew how you treat your guests…" I muttered. They glanced towards me, surprised by my calling the formidable captain by name. What can I say? I've never had much respect for authority and invoking Picard seemed to be the best way to avoid getting killed or locked up.

"By Jean-Luc, do you mean…._Picard?"_ her voiced lowered to a hushed awestruck tone when she said the famous captain's name.

"Yup,"

So, I soon integrated with the crew of this new ship – _Voyager_, they called it. I found out the schedule for the graveyard shift and got to know where the access panels to the main screen were.

The engineers seemed surprised, but also proud, that I kept coming to them with questions. Of course, it could have also been that every time I asked a question, I added in a compliment like 'oh, because I can't think of anyone who knows the system as well as _you_ do.' thanks to them, I now had the required knowledge to hack into their systems and change that old-fashioned screen saver.

" '_Cause we've got Eton style,"_ I stood there, wrapped in my invisibility cloak taken from my Magic Backpack and admired my handiwork. Instead of that dreadfully clichéd stars shooting past, they now had a classic Gangnam Style parody as their screen saver, one that would hopefully cheer them all up.

Janeway walked in; it was the start of the day shift. Accompanying her was the ex-borg drone, Seven of Nine.

"Captain," the blonde woman asked, "I do not understand what has happened to the view screen."

"No," she replied dryly "Neither do I. But, I think I know who is responsible."

"_Me 'n' my homies, running round and getting dizzy,"_ the Eton-er on the screen chanted. The two watched in disbelief as the teacher got put of his car and joined the tail coated boys in their dancing.

"Computer," the captain snapped, "Location of Alice Greene." It was not a question.

_Uh-oh_, I looked down at my chest where the badge that would tell the ship where I was at all times. I hadn't really thought that through.

"Alice Greene is on the Bridge," a soft female voice filtered down from the ceiling.

"Alice," the captain said with a warning edge to her voice. "I know you're here."

I threw the cloak off, mainly to see her face when I appeared from thin air. It swirled in the air and I smoothly (in every sense of the word) caught it and stuffed it into my Magic Backpack which I had taken to having on or near me at all times.

"Guilty as charged," I tried – and failed – to supress a grin. Well, I wasn't trying all that hard anyway. "Isn't this more exciting than that boring, old-fashioned and, quite frankly, clichéd screensaver you had before. Face it; even turning the screen off would be better than the stars which were considered cheesy even in two thousand and ten. Yes, that is the time I'm from. Deal with it." I enjoyed her goldfish for a while before doing a Dramatic Exit (stage left).

It was on one of my many trips to Main Engineering when I hit metaphorical gold on my self-given quest to cause mayhem.

B'Elanna Torres, the Chief Engineer who was temperamental at the _best _of times, was on the rebound after a late night. Judging by the way she massaged her forehead and grimaced, she had gotten a little bit… _emotional_.

_Hold on a minute,_ I thought, _do I really want to do this? Even though it could end up with being chased throughout the ship by an enraged half-Klingon Chief Engineer? Should I rethink this? _It was a no-brainer. _Nahh!_

"Hey, B'Elanna? Can I ask you another question?"

She looked at me cautiously. By now the news of my substitution of their screensaver to _Eton Style_ on loop had reached the entire ship. Needless to say, it had received a mixed reaction and they had still not been able to return their screensaver back to its normal, boring self. I was kind of a legend on board, but also a budding criminal at the same time. Seriously, those people desperately needed to get out more.

"What do you mean, _another_ question?" she asked, picking up on the slightly oddly worded question.

"Well, I just asked you a question, didn't I? Anyway, what happened to your forehead? Did you run very hard into a wall in your childhood or something? Because that cannot be natural." I watched as a red flush of anger slowly rose up her neck. Looked like I had hit a nerve.

Ready…

Set…

"Raargh!"

Go!

"I have _unleashed the beast! _Women and children first!" I screamed, turning my head back to face Main Engineering. I saw a few wry smiles at my predicament and also at their boss. It would appear that she is not the most popular person in the Engineering department.

I hurtled through the doors, only just escaping crashing into them as I tilted to turn the corner. I didn't dare look back at my pursuer; I didn't have as much speed as I would have liked in that situation but, to be fair, light speed would have felt too slow at that point.

I had gone too far. In recognition of that fact, I reached into my bag, thinking _emergency button, __**NOW**_ and drew out the Big Red Button.

I breathed a sigh of relief and pressed it, feeling a slight tingle as the lightning enveloped me totally and bore me off to another place and time.

_Three weeks later:_

Captain Janeway was showing an ambassador around the ship. Who the ambassador represented was not important, only that he could shave an extra five to ten years off of their journey.

"And, to finish it off, the Bridge. This is where it all happens!" she showed off her command centre with a flourish. The alien ambassador was looking around with interest when something caught his eye.

"What is that?" he asked, pointing at the view screen. Janeway facepalmed.

"We had… a visitor. She had a playful, yet sadistic streak and the most we have been able to do with that is turn the sound off. She locked us all out of the standby command for the screen, having somehow convinced the computer that she was the Starfleet chief commander. Don't ask me how, because if I knew, I would have already taken it off."

"Uuuh, captain?" Tom Paris asked hesitatingly, "This may not be the best of times, but I think that the little we managed to do is about to be… undone?" he flinched as he finished his statement, making it more of a question because Janeway had become more and more tyrannical over this 'Eton Style' thing, claiming that it looked 'unprofessional' and 'untidy' while generally lowering the perceived standards of the ship.

"_Eton's cannon there, think we stole it from the Russians. Took it fair and square-"_

"_Well, not __**really**__ fair-"_

Janeway groaned and buried her head in her hands, pinching the bridge of her nose in an attempt to stay calm. She ran a hand through her now tousled bob and oh-so-calmly invited him into her Ready Room for some refreshments. She hoped that that would be the end of it. Oh, no.

"_Heeeey, sexy lady."_

"_Yah, yah ya-ya-ya-yah, yah we got Eton Style!"_

This was going to be a loooong day.

_**Greetings from the Truly Epic Author**_

_**Ha ha ha! Three weeks and they still couldn't get rid of it! Alice is going to have a bit of a specialised skillset when she – finally – returns home.**_ _**Tell me, if you could change their screensaver to a modern music video, which one would it be and why? Tell me in your reviews!**_

_**Love you all – well, those of you who are going to review anyway. Cookies for my reviewers!**_


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